Resilience is something we all hope our children will grow up to have. The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties and setbacks is a key skill for life! However, I often speak to parents who are concerned that their child gives up quickly, won’t try new things or says they’re “not good at” something. We can be left wondering how to inspire and teach our children to be more resilient.
The answer? Let them see us do hard and new things!
The fact is children always catch more than we teach. If we say we want them to try things and then we are too embarrassed to make mistakes and try things ourselves… guess which one will stick? We have an opportunity to show our kids in real time:
- How to learn something new
- What to do when learning gets frustrating
- How to speak to ourselves internally through the process.
The importance of a Growth Mindset
To foster resilience in our kids, we must first investigate our own mindset around learning. Have you ever thought, for example, that you are “bad at math” or that some people are “naturally talented athletes”. The truth is with time and effort, any of us can be good at anything!
Growth Mindset: “In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.” (Dweck, 2015)
When we realise the starting point for being good at anything is first –being bad at it– it takes a lot of pressure off us and our kids. The more we say this aloud to ourselves and to our children, the more normalised initial struggle with something becomes.
When I was a teacher I used to often have children tell me the language we were learning was too hard. That they’re just not good at learning a new language or they’ll never be able to speak it.
When I encountered pushback like this I would remind my students that at one point in time walking was too hard for them too! Did their little baby selves fall down a few times and think, “Actually, I think this walking thing is too hard for me.” Of course not! They just kept trying and falling and trying and falling until they could do a small step. Then they tried and fell again over and over until they could walk. I would tell them, “I saw all of you walk in here today so I’m pretty sure you can learn hard things!”
Whenever we can’t do something all we need to do is add a “YET” to it. “I can’t speak this language… YET.” “I can’t ride a two-wheeler… YET.” Three tiny letters that transform how we see a challenge and increase our resilience around the goal. There are many books and even songs like the one below from Sesame Street to bring up the topic in your family!
The opposite of a Growth Mindset
The problem is that our society mostly has a fixed mindset around learning.
Fixed Mindset: “In a fixed mindset, people believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence or talent, are simply fixed traits. They spend their time documenting their intelligence or talent instead of developing them. They also believe that talent alone creates success—without effort.” (Dweck, 2015)
When people have a fixed mindset they misinterpret the difficult feeling of learning something new as a sign they’re not good at it and should give up. They’ll try something once or twice, not be as good as a master (as well they shouldn’t) and say, “It’s not for me.” They’ll think those who are good at that skill were probably born with more natural talent and that’s why they’re so good at it. They quit before they even give themselves a chance to improve.
Modelling a Growth Mindset
To have the most impact on our children’s resilience, we must begin with ourselves.
Note: Don’t overtly do this as a teaching tool in front of your child… just let them see you at it.
- Choose something you’re interested in doing that you can’t do… YET. (Let’s use hula hooping for an example)
- Commit yourself to learning how to do it.
- Begin to practice around where your children might be. Say aloud something like, “I’ve always wanted to hula hoop, but I’ve never had the time to learn. I’m going to work on that over the next little while. It’s going to be hard but if I practice enough, I’ll get there!”
- Begin practicing and let them see you suck! If you’re like me learning to hula hoop this will happen for quite some time! Here and there when the hoop drops say things like, “Wow, this is hard. That’s ok, I can do hard things.” “Hmm, it keeps falling but I know mistakes are normal when I’m learning something new.” “That feeling of being hard means I’m learning!”
- When you feel tired or frustrated, model taking a rest, “Whew! That was hard. I’m going to take a rest and try some more again tomorrow. I know if I keep practicing I’ll get there!”
- Let them see you looking for information to keep improving. “I’m going to watch some YouTube videos to see if I can get some tips about hula hooping.”
- Keep at it regularly and celebrate your small successes along the way! “Hey it stayed up for 3 seconds that time! I’m getting better!”
You can do this with any aspect of your life. The key is to model mistakes, struggles and failures as a normal part of the process. What you say aloud will become your child’s internal script when they try hard things!
I have honestly heard my then 4 year old say to herself, “This is hard… but I can do it if I keep practicing.” And another time when she was 6 years old and we were making tangram puzzles, “I’m going to do the swan. It’s a hard one but I was BORN TO DO HARD THINGS!” My heart almost burst with happiness!
When the difficulty of learning something new is normalised it’s no longer a reason to throw in the towel. We can learn to enjoy the uncomfortable feeling of pushing ourselves outside our comfort zone and even be excited by it… it’s proof we’re learning!
An unexpected bonus…
An added perk to letting our children see us doing hard things, failing and not giving up is that it humanises us to our children. We become more connected to others when we’re vulnerable and let them see a less than perfect version of ourselves.
As that connection builds, our relationships deepen. Connected children are naturally more cooperative and the job of parenting is easier and more enjoyable. So do hard things because your connection counts… more than anything.
❤️❤️❤️
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