Have you ever had a good boss? Like a really good boss?
A boss who took the time to learn your talents and areas of expertise? Maybe they challenged and supported you to learn and try new things? They trusted you to do what was expected and gave you space to choose how it got done? Or they took an interest in your life and gave you grace and understanding when your plate was full and you couldn’t do your best at that moment?
On the other end of the spectrum… have you ever had a bad boss?
A boss who micromanaged and oversaw your every move. Maybe they were publicly critical of your work or humiliated you in front of other staff members. A boss who expected 100% from you regardless of what might be going on in your life? One who didn’t take the time to get to know you and your goals or give you steps on how to reach them?
I think most of us have worked for both of these types in our lifetime. The critical question is, how hard did you work for each of these bosses?
Good Boss vs Bad Boss
In thinking about your experience with these two types of bosses, how did their behaviour affect your effort at work? How much harder did you work for one as opposed to the other?
For a good boss, I have always gone above and beyond in my work. I have so deeply appreciated their compassion, understanding and support that I was deeply faithful to my position. The effort and excellence in my work was first rate and I brought more value to the company. I often worked far more than my hours called for, simply because of how much I respected and felt appreciated by my boss.
For a bad boss, I quickly began to do the very least I could to get by. The worse they treated me, the less I cared about doing my best or making a difference. I would clock in and clock out and give zero extra effort. Not only that, I actively looked for a way out of that job meaning my boss had to do more work hiring and retraining someone again so soon. I often wondered how they couldn’t see that by treating me the way they did they made their own lives so much harder.
What can we take from this analogy as parents?
The beauty of the parent/child relationship is that we get to choose which boss we will be. We can be on our child’s team instead of engaging in me vs you power struggles where only one of us can win. It’s in our power to make daily life easier as parents by the approach we choose.
The more connected our children feel to us, the more cooperative they naturally are. They WANT to be helpful when they feel like part of the team. They WANT to grow when their abilities are respected and valued in their family.
Contrastingly the more disconnected our children feel to us, the more they begin to fight even the smallest request. We end up engaging in daily power struggles which only serve to further disconnect us. Parenting seems like a battlefield when we aren’t on the same side.
We need to change our perspective from -parent up high and child down below- to coming alongside each other in relationship. You will witness a transformation in your relationship as your connection deepens. Your home can be a soft space to land. Family life is honestly more peaceful than I ever imagined it could be.
Won’t I lose control if I give up control?
Absolutely not. The boss who gives you autonomy over your responsibilities doesn’t lose any power by doing so. They’re still the boss. They don’t have a finite amount of power that will run out if they give some to you. As James Keller said, “A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.”
Below is a wonderful graphic about power needs by Kristen Wiens, @kwiens62, and shared by The Natural Parent Magazine that explains further.
How to help kids meet their power needs in healthy ways.
Wiens offers 6 ways to help kids meet their (developmentally normal) power needs:
- Offer choice, not orders. – “It’s time to get dressed. Would you like to dress yourself or would you like me to help you?”
- Give responsibility. – “Do you want to look and see what groceries we need? You can draw/write a list for us to shop with.”
- Start with strengths. “You’re really good at folding square shapes. Do you want to help me with these towels and dishcloths?”
- Express interest rather than praise. – “Oh wow, look at that drawing you made! Tell me about what’s happening in your picture!”
- Ask for their opinion. “We’re thinking of going to a park this weekend. Which one do you think would be the best one to go to for riding bikes?”
- Ask for their help. “We’re going to tidy up the house as a family. What’s one way of cleaning you like to do that can help our team tidy up?”
Wiens also offers 6 things to remember:
- Avoid power struggles. – “The reality is that no one wins a power struggle.” ~Ross Greene
- Avoid making threats. – Any sentence that begins with “If you do xyz again…” will instantly be met with stress and push back from your child.
- Growing power needs are a healthy part of child development. – When we know to expect them, we don’t take them personally.
- Respect boundaries. – Stop when they ask you to stop tickling, honour their needs for privacy and right to not participate in things they don’t want to.
- The rules (not the adult) should be obeyed. – “I won’t let you hit your sister. No one is allowed to hit anyone in this house. It’s ok to be angry but it’s not ok to hit.”
- Reflect on your own need for power and control. – Giving children agency and control in their lives can seem scary, impossible and even unnecessary if you never had it as a child. Realising you could have been trusted more as a child will go a long way towards your own healing and being comfortable offering more power and control to your children.
Be the boss you’d want to work for.
Our children will inevitably go through developmental leaps, growth spurts, and life challenges with siblings and friends. Using the strategies explained above does not mean your children will automatically be 100% helpful and compliant. This is normal and good! We WANT them to be able to speak up for themselves and they need to practice that somewhere.
However, in being the kind of boss we would want to have and sharing power and control, we will experience the smoothest and most connected relationship possible with our children.
Your connection counts. More than anything.
❤️❤️❤️
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