As parents, it happens to all of us at some point. For me, it happens most when we are late. We have somewhere to be, kids are being kids and moving at (what seems to me in the moment) a near glacial pace. I start to feel my shoulders and chest get tense, my jaw clenches, my eyebrows contract and then… it happens. I lose my temper, I speak in an angry tone, I’m short with them, I’m snappy and sometimes rude, I rush them and the overall vibe they must feel -if I’m honest- is probably scared… Mom’s mad.
Anger is a normal human emotion and, if we look deeper, it often masks other emotions. What’s really happening is I’m worried I’ll be late for work, I’m scared I’ll be in trouble if I am, I know I have things to do immediately when I get there and I’m already holding the weight of that, I’m tired because of normal interrupted mom-sleep, I’m overwhelmed balancing my responsibilities and trying to be the best in two fields. My kid’s pace in the morning is very likely just their normal child pace. My reaction isn’t about them, it’s got everything to do with what is happening inside me.
Ruptures are not the end of the world.
What I’ve just described is what is commonly called a “rupture” and it’s a normal and natural part of all relationships. We all have different triggers so this may happen to you more at bedtime, getting in the car, leaving the park or at the shops. Rest assured though, it does happen to all of us at some point.
We are human and our reactions and patience will always be influenced by factors such as tiredness, hunger, stress, illness, past trauma etc. Accepting these ruptures as an expected part of life frees us from beating ourselves up and sinking down the shame spiral.
What’s most important is what you do next.
Repair or ignore?
There are only two avenues a parent can take once a rupture happens. The first is the parent can keep going about their day and pretend it never happened. They may feel terrible but don’t know how to approach the subject and instead ignore it all together. After a period of time they may try to change the subject by joking or bringing up something different.
Our children have a biological need to be in connection with us so they will often go along with this for connection’s sake. However they won’t forget what happened and if this happens repeatedly over time our relationship can become disconnected. Disconnection then leads to behaviour issues, lack of cooperation and frustration for both parent and child.
Repair: The Road Less Travelled
The other avenue following a rupture is repair. Spend time reflecting on what you wished you had done and then explain that to your child when you are both calm. Acknowledge your mistake, apologise and say what you’ll try to do better in the future. It might sound something like:
“I’m sorry that I raised my voice before. I was feeling frustrated because we were late. I’m sorry that happened. Next time when I feel that way I’m going to try taking some deep breaths. I’m sorry if that scared you, it wasn’t your fault.”
Children need repair faster than adults do so try not to leave it longer than a day. Over time you will likely be able to use this model almost immediately when a rupture happens. This might sound like:
“Wow, I didn’t like the way I just spoke to you. I’m feeling rushed this morning and I shouldn’t have taken that out on you. I’m sorry. I’m going to do a few slow breaths and then can we try again?
NOTE: It is very important that whatever your trigger is, you actually DO work towards improving in that area. Your child will see right through you if you keep making the same mistake without any actual progress.
Really do learn some breathing techniques, spend time doing joyful activities that fill your cup, see a psychologist to heal past trauma, practice meditation, or do some journaling. Whatever you invest in yourself will come back one hundred fold in your relationship with your child.
Reconnect – The Magic 5:1 Ratio
After a rupture, it’s important to reconnect as soon as possible. Gottman founded the notion that it takes five positive interactions to balance out a negative one. These can be:
- a simple as a good long hug (long hugs release oxytocin, the love hormone!)
- dance with them to their favourite song
- look at family photos together
- let them choose a family movie
- read a book together
- say, “I love you”
- play their favourite game with them
- add a smiley face to their meal etc etc.
Reconnection is what helps children move on, maintain trust and feel validated. Children who are securely connected to their parents are naturally more cooperative. This makes the job of parenting easier and more pleasant for everyone.
The Silver Lining
The beauty of rupture, repair, reconnect is that your children are humans themselves who will mess up one day. Experiencing this cycle first-hand from you means they will have a framework for repair when they inevitably make mistakes themselves. What started out as a human mistake turns into a beautiful teaching tool when we take the time to repair and reconnect.
How else would children learn humility or how to apologise if we don’t apologise to them for our mistakes? I promise you that although it can be difficult to do in the beginning, it brings so much closeness to your relationship!
So messing up isn’t the end of the world:
- It can be a valuable teaching tool for ourselves (to learn and move past our own triggers… gahhh being late!)
- It can help our little ones learn it’s normal to make mistakes. There are always ways to repair and reconnect in our relationships!
❤️❤️❤️
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